This is the start of week 7 for our family if we count our trip and 2 week post trip isolation before the real thing locked us all down, tallying 6 whole weeks trapped together. I'm not bragging, trust me, this is not my ideal situation. I would never recommend you lock yourself in a space with three children, 4 cats, 6 goats, way to many chickens, a small business and a husband EVER for any length of time. Don't do it!
Yup, it's starting to get to me now. At first we were on holidays and then we were in shock. Then as we settled in for the long haul and being together was feeling really natural and fluid-ish.... As fluid as 5 people locked in a house could be, I suppose. At any rate I was mostly enjoying it. Then reality started to sink in, really really quickly.
I came out of shock to realize that the reality of the world being locked in their homes meant no income for Noble Wellness Studio, and if we don't have income we can't pay rent and we lose our space. In the beginning we kindly asked for forgiveness on our rent, assuming we would be able to resume again in a couple of short months. Our landlords were amazing in granting us two months free in our space. We snapped up the offer and stayed calm for a few weeks. Shortly into April, we realized that this COVID was not going away anytime soon and that NWS would be months away from resuming any sort of "normal" activities. We both knew that the smart thing to do for our families, was to let our space go and see what comes next.
This reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm taking this very seriously, infact probably more seriously then I should. I feel like I am losing the business and the entire community of people we built with the space. I feel like this baby that I have poured my heart and my soul into over the past year and a bit will just disappear as if it never happened. In my mind I will loose Marla, my reputation, my ambition and... I know in my heart that this is not the end, that in fact this is just the beginning of the next chapter for us. We don't know yet what that will look like, but we're staying positive. I'm trying to muster up the energy to get excited again despite always worrying that we could lose it all over again in a heartbeat.
I want to be honest and explain how this is really affecting me. See, this last week has been my first Covid period. I know TMI probably but totally relevant. I have terrible depression right around my periods and I have since I was a young girl. My PMS makes me feel like I could crawl into a black hole and never come out, EVER! Let's be really real here, I imagine a car crossing the centerline on the highway and crashing into the front of my childless vehicle so it's quick and painless. Not even kidding. MONTHLY. Some months are better than others but my first covid period seemed to be a real doozy. Cramps, anger, sadness, frustration, guilt, acne, exhaustion, mood swings... Of course this happened right in time with giving notice to leave the NWS space, because why wouldn't it? As if dealing with a worldwide pandemic wasn't enough already? Let's add all these bullshit emotions on top. To be honest with you, this is probably a really good thing for our studio and I just don't see it yet. I will, and I'm sure it will all make sense then, but right now this feels super shitty.
Anyways, I just wanted to be honest and upfront as to why I have hidden myself away quietly in a corner. I'm just over here rocking and waiting for things to "resume" as "normal" so I can feel "normal-ish" again. Until then bare with me, I have good days and bad days and I'm working on being very gentle with myself. Maybe a little selfish at times, but I know that if I don't keep trudging forward our whole family will fall apart, and they didn't ask for any of this either. "My whole family needs me", is my Mantra this week.
To all of the small business owners out there right now, my heart breaks for each and everyone of you. I know for certain NWS will one day reopen and I hope the same for you as well. We all need to be gentle with each other right now, especially knowing we're all going through the same struggles. Be kind, give love and thanks for the good things we do have in our lives right now, and remember that this too shall pass at least for another 28 days. LOL